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For the lack of any better response, I am just writing for myself for a moment. I have had a second feeling/ searching for ways inside. In response to “nothing has changed/ but everything has changed”; the reality for me is much more clearly like a biblical verse; all I remember is “the lion and lamb laying down together”. And I feel like that/ NOT in a religious context, but in my own reality.

My breasts have only grown a quarter inch or so, but things are changing. I feel like the lion, and there has been a fight I was not even aware of, AND THE LAMB won! I am so surprised, it is literally hard to describe. Can’t imagine how that happened, but the woman inside has won. I feel like I cannot control my own body; there isn’t anything wrong with it/ but I can’t control it. All the controls have been changed. From a very highly disciplined life, simple and plain/ where everything worked exactly as I demanded of it; to suddenly its like trying to shove square pegs in round holes or something. I as a man, am no longer in control/ its like being in prison or something. Doesn’t mean common everyday things are done differently, but I am acutely aware something has gone wrong/ and someone else is in charge. I have been removed from leading my own body! Its is beyond description really, even this writing today, isn’t exactly me. It’s not, “not me” either/ but something dramatic has changed inside, and except for the fact “I am no longer in charge of this body”; I don’t even know what went wrong. You just can’t imagine/ unless maybe you are so unfortunate as to be crippled; “I no longer own the vehicle, and now, I no longer get to drive the car: BUT I AM still in the car, so to speak”. It is REALLY very frustrating/ and NOT a clue “what went wrong”/ never knew there was a fight, again! Not mad or angry/ not sad or depressed/ that would be useless, it is my reality, and you cannot defeat yourself, it is stupid to try: just plain so surprised, and not a clue what to do about it. The spiritual woman is in me, I am not in her, and unless she is willing to leave (NO sign or even slightest possibility can be found); I am defeated. Didn’t even know there was a real fight going on/ still the same, still nothing has changed in me as an identity called man. BUT SOMEHOW everything has been changed. Somehow, I became a man without a body to operate/ somehow the woman inside just plain took control. I cannot explain it, she won again/ and I didn’t even know there was a fight. From disciplined/ to nothing, “but a ride in the back seat of a vehicle I cannot control”. You just can’t imagine. It literally feels like I have to ask permission, for every movement made. I am not without any movement desired/ I just have to ask permission. I am still exactly the same male identity I have always been, but no body controls at all: it distinctly feels like someone else is in charge of the entire body. And I need permission to use it/ BUT the woman inside can literally do anything she wants with it. I literally am “just so surprised, you can’t imagine”. I am hoping this will clear up, once I get used to slightly bigger breasts. Honestly I am/ addicts get used to the amount of chemicals and need more for the same effect: I cannot understand why the chemicals these breasts produce affect me so much . Surely the impact will lessen. If not, my future as a man is fundamentally over. Don’t understand that really/ can’t imagine what it really means, but I know it is true. “I unknowingly helped” with the first part of that/ but “they don’t need me anymore to finish”/ I can feel it. Can’t begin to comprehend anything about that much change; just plain simply, beyond me. Not only not my decision to make, it seems likely, the decision is already made; and I didn’t have a say/ wasn’t invited to the discussion & I don’t know why! I am serious/ you just can’t imagine; this degree of change. AND I am not changed/ just shoved out the door; of my own house: but still here. Still alive/ still the same/ just not in charge of my own body, I don’t know why! Really, its not a game. Not sure why you need to know/ but it does seem to me, a requirement to tell you. I honestly thought I was done, for at least weeks or months.

But the woman inside, strange though I know it sounds/ beyond my comprehension at this point as well: is insisting on more detail about economic decisions. And I am more than aware, she is going to get her way, one way or the other: there isn’t any doubt/ there aren’t any excuses/ she is going to get her way. Two and a half years of living with the spiritual woman inside: from the beginning of a question created by Revelation 12 in the bible; to now, what I know is a mental woman inside/ although we do not talk; I just know she is here. The truth is, no doubts need apply/ they WILL take what they want. I cannot stop them, “it’s the chemicals”. I don’t know why me.
You can read the start of that in if you wish. “You have to look”.
So, like it or not.


Chapter A Literally what went wrong
Chapter B Sorting through my own reality
Chapter C Caught in the middle
Chapter D Religions
Chapter E Time, and the elemental mass
Chapter F The herd is always afraid
Chapter G Building better
Chapter H Women as rulers
Chapter I Work, and society
Chapter J Bending the truth
Chapter K Simple elements
Chapter L Critical opportunities
Chapter M Assembling change
Chapter N The desperate ones
Chapter O Reality comes calling
Chapter P Life in america
Chapter Q Searching
Chapter R National Ignition Facility
Chapter S Community
Chapter T Billing
Chapter U A tyranny crisis
Chapter V Finding yourself
Chapter W Prosecution begins
Chapter X The discussion of complete stupidity
Chapter Y Fire in your belly
Chapter Z A better tomorrow


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